Recently I've been in an inner conflict with myself.
The Mother I thought I should be has a homestead and a barn conversion home somewhere in Devon. She's got chickens and goats. She churns her butter, celebrates the seasons artfully with crafts with her son, and meets other mothers who connect with common interests when picking her child up from forest school.
In the evenings at home, there is a vast selection of Waldorf books to dive into and a divinely crafted lyre harp for my son to play with whilst I cook dinner in my kitchen, which has the pantry I've always been dreaming of since a child.
I'm the "perfect" Mother in my eyes.
But, It isn't at all who I truly am or desire.
And to even get to this place requires something far greater of me than a commitment to an expensive home or homestead lifestyle.
Because It costs me who I am.
Because in all this, I'm trying to be the Mother I think I should be, which stems from the Mother I always wished I had.
It's my ego identity with the word MOTHER.
Notice how this ideal Mother I've created is based upon a house, animals and beautiful objects rather than how I am showing up as a woman for my son daily.
As I'm travelling right now, in contrast, my partner and I often meet varying levels of opinions from people we meet concerning travelling with our baby.
They vary from inspiration and compassion to disagreement, disgust, triggers or just plain anger.
Sometimes, the first encounter with a stranger will go something like this often, even before a hello!
IS IT NOT HARD TRAVELLING WITH A BABY!!
I laugh, and my partner and I always meet eyes and smile, and then we say something like this.
"No, it's not hard... because raising a child in a home all day, in England is harder" Raising a child with no community and trying to entertain a child all day at home, replacing people with gizmos and gadgets, is way more tiring, for me at least.
Each time I feel myself creating a fantasy in my mind, I feel in my soul and body that this isn't what the divine chooses to give me right now.
So in my life, at least for now. I'm choosing to TRULY HAVE what I've been given and be who I am rather than who I think I should be.